Good Reads & an update

So I have had the thought cross my mind the last few weeks that I should be sharing more about my experience I've been having with my Power 90 class I'm in right now, but part of me has been a little afraid to open up so much to all of you out there in cyber land.

So what's been happening?

January 31st I started this class called Power 90 - it's basically a 90-day lifestyle change using all the tools you learn at Power of Choice AND MORE. I could not have imagined all the things that have been happening to me, for me and because of me the last two months! It's crazy. You pick this goal you think might be impossible to tackle in 90 days and then they set you up with a truly powerful system to help you reach your goal. My goal that I chose is:

I'm a lovebird soaring high, with wings of passion, on the winds of grace and truth.

This means so much more to me now than the day I started. But just so you understand, my goal was basically to fall in love with Danny again. Our marriage has definitely seen better days, and I share that because I've learned over this short period of time how many people can actually relate with that. I'm not afraid to share it because I truly believe that the more honest I am about it, the more I can probably help other people.

Now that you know that, I can jump to why I started writing this post.

This week one of my small steps towards my 90 day goal was to figure out what expectations I have held about marriage and share them with Danny. By taking this risk, I can unbottle up some of those things I've been holding inside for so long, which some have caused resentment to build, air it out and set them free. Then, I can find peace by recognizing they have been unrealistic expectations and move forward to happiness in marriage by accepting what is.

The Lord has definitely been guiding me, ever so gently and softly, the last few weeks. On Sunday the words "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" echoed in my mind and my heart from the talk my Bishop gave at Ward Conference. Every single word out of his mouth was really JUST FOR ME. I'm really greatful for that because being in Primary is a little hard for me to get a lot out of Church. But now as I write that sentence I realize that that's not true at ALL! I've just been missing the point. Being with the Primary kids IS amazing because they are learning the basic and simple truths. Oh boy.. note to self on that one... but back to what I was saying.

Today, Heavenly Father answered my prayer in my heart and I came across this website when I did a search of "expectations in marriage":

http://www.twoofus.org

This looks like a great website and it has short, but very awesome articles! They are for everyone - single, dating, engaged, married, or parents.

Then I saw a link to a relationship quiz call My Heart Chart. It took me about 5 minutes to take it and I was NOT SUPER SHOCKED about my results - they totally made sense with my religious beliefs and all about marriage. But what totally caught me off guard was what I found after I clicked on "What the resolute heart needs to know:"


A PDF document that starts off with the heading


Your Unfulfilled Expectations Can Get the Best of You

Holy cow! Talk about PERFECT! It really has some great advice in it and I'm going to print it off and study it like crazy tonight. But here are a few snippets I thought very fitting for me and also reiterate some things I've learned in Power 90:

• Once you marry, your spouse is bound to fail at fulfilling an expectation that you may not even be aware you have. And you’ll do the same to your spouse. That’s when disappointment can set in.
• 
  So what can you do to keep unfulfilled expectations from plaguing your marriage? You can heighten your awareness. Examine the expectations you’re likely to bring into the relationship. Make a list of every expectation you can think of. Talk about them. Make them known – to yourself and your partner. That way, when these expectations are not met, they don’t hold as much unconscious power over you.
• 
  Baby-induced marital meltdowns are not uncommon. Through the help of researchers like Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington, here’s what we know: In the year after the first baby arrives, 70 percent of wives experience a precipitous plummet in their marital satisfaction. For the husband, the dissatisfaction usually kicks in later, as a reaction to his wife’s unhappiness. It has little to do with whether a couple’s baby is colicky or a good sleeper, whether she is nursing or bottle-feeding, working or staying at home. It simply has to do with how the addition to the family shifts the whole household dynamic.

Is there anyone else out there who can relate to this?

I'm really excited to see that I'm on the right track with their suggestion to write down the unfulfilled expectations. That was a suggested step from my coach and I'm SO glad that she suggested I do that.

Can anyone help me get some ideas of what some of those unrealistic expectations could be? I've got a good list going, but I could use more help. I know there's quite a few of you who are married, AND even some of you studied Marriage and Family in school. Help a sista out!

Here are more GREAT book finds I've come across:

"A Quiet Heart" by Patricia Holland -- this is an EXCELLENT READ and one I HIGHLY RECOMMEND for all women. It helped me understand more about who I am right now but also who I can become and who I was meant to be. I was loaned this book by the woman I visit teach and I am sad to have to give it back! I am definitely purchasing this one and reading it at least 5 more times! I wanted to pick out some quotable stuff to share over the last few weeks but by the time I reached the end of the chapter, I wanted to quote the whole chapter! And that happened for all 7 chapters. It's THAT GOOD.

"You Are Special" by Max Lucado --- this is a children's book and it was read to us at the end of the night a couple weeks ago when I had my Power 90 class. It is a beautiful story and I'm getting this for my library. It talks about self-worth and the value of an individual.

"And They Were Not Ashamed -- Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment" by Laura M. Brotherson (Got this for $5 on sale, but it just ended on 3/17.)

Does anyone have any books or articles to recommend to me?

Thanks for connecting with me today. I'd love your feedback/comments.

{{{ If anyone is interested in hearing more about my Power of Choice story or you are interested in attending, please contact me at janneke.marquez@gmail.com. There is another seminar this weekend March 22-24th in Sandy, UT. It's held once a month and it really can be LIFE CHANGING -- more than just depression. If you feel stuck or in a rut or know what you want out of life but aren't quite sure HOW to get it, you would greatly benefit. I know I have. I am living proof. }}}

Michael Anthony Cornett commented on "Good Reads & an update"

Mar 19, 2012

Hey friend. This one is from the 4th Century, but never rang so true! Homilies discussing contents of the Epistles to the Ephesians and Corinthians...

"On Marriage and Family Life" St. John Chrysostom - Popular Patristics Series Number 7 (English and Ancient Greek Edition) Paperback – December 31, 1986

Also this one, which is contemporary...

"Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives" : The Life and Teachings of Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica pub. Oct 5, 2009

Unknown commented on "Good Reads & an update"

Mar 19, 2012

I love love Dr. Laura books "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and the typical book "Men Are From Mars, Woman From Venus"

MeganandClaudy commented on "Good Reads & an update"

Mar 19, 2012

good for you girl! I know one expectation that really helped to talk about it--and not just talk about it in general terms, but hash it out was household duties. Not just "I want help around the house" but I need you to do wash so I can be sane. I will do everything dish wise if you will do pots and pans. Once there were clear expectations and things divided it made for some nice harmony--and great ways to serve your spouse because you can feel like you are doing "their thing" when you have an extra minute instead of just "doing it all". Good luck on your journey :) Any effort put into your marriage is so worth it and will come back to you.

Rebecca & Jeff commented on "Good Reads & an update"

Mar 19, 2012

Way to open up. I totally agree, unless I let it all out I don't really realize what all is in my brain and then I am not able to really fix it. I really like "The Intentional Family" by William J. Doherty. I LOVE this book. Just the concept of being intentional about our marraige just makes sense to me. Lots of times we think we are in love, la-de-da, it should all just magically happen. But this book explains that just like how you have to work at anything you really want to do, you have to be intentional, you have to make it happen. I'm not good at explaining it, but he does a great job in the book. I found out about it from one of my college classes and this was one I refused to sell back. I Highly, Highly Recommend it!

Rachel Wilson commented on "Good Reads & an update"

Mar 19, 2012

Sounds like you're doing great and figuring out a lot. That's awesome! I'm really excited for you guys. When Vince and I were engaged we talked about expectations and gender roles we got from our families. In his family his mom handled finances but I told him I'd rather have him do it and he was OK with that. We both agreed that garbage was a man's job. And ALWAYS squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom. (Very important relationship conversations) One of my favorite books that I think would deal with what you're working on really well is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. I read this in high school and it has really helped me in my relationships with everyone. In fact it made me so good at relationship that my first boyfriend married me :) I think you'll really like it. I like the Dr. Laura books too. I have Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage and it's good. I also have 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. All are good but start with Getting the Love you Want. Love you! Good luck with everything!!