I am scared to share all of this but at the same time overcome with the feeling that I really need to do it. I am not sure if it's just for me, or if there is someone out there like me who needs to read this and know they're not alone. But for whatever reason you chose to visit my blog, I invite you to stay. For the whole post. And really read it (because I know there are people like me who speed-read through wordy posts). And after you've read it, if it hasn't moved you to feel anything or think about anyone else, then I just say THANK YOU for wanting to at least get to know me a little more. :)
Let's start with a little game. I am going to share a list of thoughts, feelings and beliefs with you. For each one that feels like you are saying it and not me, give yourself 1 point.
-I am happy, but I think I could be happier.
-I am depressed.
-I had hopes, dreams and passions at one point in my life, but I forgot what they were or I abandoned them because life (ie. kids, work, spouse) got in the way.
-I wish I had more money to _____.
-I wish I was more talented, like so-and-so.
-I feel stuck.
-I just want to run away.
-I don't think I'm good enough at _____.
-People say they like me, but they really don't. They're just saying that so I don't feel bad.
-Being a mom is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
-I should just stop trying so hard to be "perfect" because I'm never going to be.
-It doesn't seem like anybody really cares about me.
-Being married is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
-I wish I knew what JOY felt like.
-I wish I could be lucky.
-I could be SOOOO much happier if I had _____ and ____ and ________.
-What's the point?
-I think I'm ugly.
-Something is wrong with me.
-It's hopeless.
-I always fail.
-Life sucks.
-I wish I could ______, but I'm just not good enough right now.
-I'm not worthy of _____ (ie. love, forgiveness, happiness, children --- anything)
-I feel sorta empty.
-I have no idea what makes me special or what my purpose really is.
So how many points did you get? If you got more than 20 points....
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
Well... sort of. I realize that was depressing and I had to insert a little pick-me-up in there. I'm not quite sure if it worked.
So what is the point of all of this, you ask?
These are ALL things I have felt for quite a long time. Some of these are pretty common beliefs or feelings people have I think on a daily basis. Many people know how to get over that though and feel happier again.
For me, it's been a cycle. For over 2 years now. And each time I feel like I sink back into the pits of despair, it's even deeper than it was before. There are many challenges, circumstances and people that have played a role in my depression, which I won't delve into at this particular point in time. Suffice to say that it's a complex problem, which I didn't realize was a REAL problem until I wanted to run away.
I tried so many things to help me overcome this "little" depression problem I had. I didn't want to take drugs, so I've done the "fake it til I make it." I've read self-help books. I've read and listened to talks. I've tried to draw closer to God. I've gone to counseling. I've talked with friends and family. I even started a support group at one point. And each time I felt confident that I could overcome the blues. And it would work... for a little while.
The truth is, I've BECOME depressed. I am in a state of mind of which I cannot escape. I have become something, or someone, that I never thought I would become. And my life has followed suit. Or so it seems.
Do you relate at all? Whoever you are that are still reading this?
Well I want to share with you an experience I had this weekend.
I was convinced by a family member, a dear family member, to attend a workshop called The Power of Choice. I went into it feeling very skeptical about getting anything valuable from it. What made that worse was that I spent $100 on it and convinced my husband to attend with me. We justified that it was pretty much the cost of a 1-hour counseling session (each) and this was 20+ hours of material, but the fact of the matter is that we're still poor. We're the poorest we've been our whole marriage. So $200 was a LOT of money for us to fork out for intangible goods. The good news was that if we really didn't feel like it was worth it, there was a 100% money-back guarantee. So we went. We hoped to get something out of it to help our marriage grow stronger.
There was magic. There were a lot of HAPPY, or I should say OVERLY happy people leading the seminar. There were silly games. There were people of all ages and all walks of life. I wasn't really sold, not initially.
But I went with it. I played their game. I did a little bit of the work. I met some new people. I learned a couple of new things. And then we left, early; Danny had a soccer game.
It was inspirational enough for me to want to go back for 2 more days and see what else they had to say. But it was hard for me, I'll be honest. I felt like such a cry-baby the whole time because I was digging deep into my core self. Deeper than I anticipated, and dare I say, ever. I learned what I already told you, that I have made choices along the way that have prevented me from becoming who I wanted to become. And now I was stuck in this cycle of which I could not find an escape. There are things in my subconscious mind that I have allowed to shape who I believe I am; and my thoughts lead to my actions and give me the results I don't want. IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE RESULTS YOU WANT FROM LIFE, THEN DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND CHANGE THOSE BELIEFS TO MAKE IT SO YOU DO GET THE RESULTS YOU WANT. It's just like that. This seminar not only taught me how to KNOW myself better than I ever have before, but it gave me tools and actions to really make a change. A REAL change this time. Not a temporary one.
I wish I could tell you everything I realized this weekend in this post, but it's getting pretty lengthy and so I'll summarize it this way: This was the best weekend I could have ever hoped for. This is something I have needed in my life so badly and it scares me a little. It scares me to think about the changes that I will be able to make in my life in the next few months because it's going to be amazing. I just know it. The stuff I learned is life-changing. LIFE CHANGING. It will change my family. It will change my community. It will literally change the world! All because I choose to make a change, starting with me.
How can you make such BOLD statements?
Because it's TRUTH. Every. Last. Word.
It's POWERFUL. I saw people on FIRE this weekend. People who were jobless. People with addictions. People who seemed like they had everything all together. And people who were depressed, like me.
I know it's truth because I experienced it. My husband experienced it. And in the last 24 hours I had AT LEAST 3 other incidences when these ideas were confirmed. (For all you scripture gurus out there... "out of the mouths of 2 or more witnesses shall my word be established")
The winds of change are blowing. It's gonna be good! And I'm NOT coming back. I am tired of living this way. I'm tired of feeling stuck in the same routine. I'm tired of failing!
Thank you for listening. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for wanting to know more about me. And if you feel like you want to know more about this story, please contact me. There is more truth and more light to be discovered in this life. Do not stop learning - do not stagnate. The moment you choose to do that, it's the moment you allow yourself to be less than your best self.
You are worth it.
You are important.
You are a part of something wonderful.
THANK YOU for sharing yourself with me.
(If you read this post, I'd love just a simple "hello" if you don't want to leave a lengthy comment.)
Jan 22, 2012
Jan 22, 2012
Hi! I know we haven't talked in forever, but I saw your link on FB and decided to see how things were. I have had a few times where I have definitely been depressed, and I have worked on changing the way I think about myself and the world around me and it helps a LOT but I still have days where I am in a funk. I'm wondering if maybe a follow up post with a few basic ideas is in the works for the future ;) (it's ok if not!)
Jan 22, 2012
Hi Janneke,
I can definitely relate to what you have been going through. Thank you so much for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage to open up, and I really respect you for it. I'm glad you have found something to help you and I wish you the best in your journey.
BTW, we should do a double date sometime. :)
Love ya,
Erica
I can definitely relate to what you have been going through. Thank you so much for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage to open up, and I really respect you for it. I'm glad you have found something to help you and I wish you the best in your journey.
BTW, we should do a double date sometime. :)
Love ya,
Erica
Jan 22, 2012
What's super the most weird is that you were in my dream last night. I dreamed that there was a little house in Provo that I always saw as my dream home and it turned out that you guys owned it. WEIRD!
Thanks for your post and the courage to write it. I'm right there in the same boat with you. I'd love to know more info on the seminar so I can get in a similar one in the future.
Thanks for your post and the courage to write it. I'm right there in the same boat with you. I'd love to know more info on the seminar so I can get in a similar one in the future.
Jan 23, 2012
To my beautiful, intelligent 'little girl',
I couldn't sleep tonight, and like I often do, I pop into yours and the boys Facebook pages to see what you are each up to. I guess you could say, for those that believe in this, that I was just promtped to do it and of all times, tonight, right after you wrote your entry. I haven't done it in days and why tonight and at this hour..only the Lord knows.
Janneke, I was able to make each one of those statements at one point in my life and often more than once or twice. I'm sure we all have with at least a few of them. I felt like a bad mom, ugly, uneducated, I couldn't do things right or like others could, I scrounged for quarters just to buy milk, worked long hours at work then came home to continue until late only to do it again a few hours later and I felt no one cared what I did or what happened to me. My life centered around everyone else and in the process, I lost myself. I had been known for my smile, and people would ask me what happened to it. I remember the time you gave me some books on improving my self-esteem and tools to help with my own depression, so I can definitely understand how you are feeling.
I'm glad you found the seminar, you both went together and you are continuing to work on it. Knowing you are not alone and working with others helps. Learning to love ourselves is key, I think. I'm still working on that one, but knowing we are loved no matter what we are able to do or can't do, how we look, healthy or sick and that we are important to someone else is a blessing. That's just the way Christ feels about each of us.
You are not alone, but never forget how much you are loved and how very important you are to so many. No one on this earth loves you more than your mom. A mother's love for her child is stronger than anything. You are a wonderful mother. It is the hardest yet most rewarding calling given to anyone and often a thankless one. What you...we do...affects eternity.
Please know I am always here and understand! I love you so VERY much!
I couldn't sleep tonight, and like I often do, I pop into yours and the boys Facebook pages to see what you are each up to. I guess you could say, for those that believe in this, that I was just promtped to do it and of all times, tonight, right after you wrote your entry. I haven't done it in days and why tonight and at this hour..only the Lord knows.
Janneke, I was able to make each one of those statements at one point in my life and often more than once or twice. I'm sure we all have with at least a few of them. I felt like a bad mom, ugly, uneducated, I couldn't do things right or like others could, I scrounged for quarters just to buy milk, worked long hours at work then came home to continue until late only to do it again a few hours later and I felt no one cared what I did or what happened to me. My life centered around everyone else and in the process, I lost myself. I had been known for my smile, and people would ask me what happened to it. I remember the time you gave me some books on improving my self-esteem and tools to help with my own depression, so I can definitely understand how you are feeling.
I'm glad you found the seminar, you both went together and you are continuing to work on it. Knowing you are not alone and working with others helps. Learning to love ourselves is key, I think. I'm still working on that one, but knowing we are loved no matter what we are able to do or can't do, how we look, healthy or sick and that we are important to someone else is a blessing. That's just the way Christ feels about each of us.
You are not alone, but never forget how much you are loved and how very important you are to so many. No one on this earth loves you more than your mom. A mother's love for her child is stronger than anything. You are a wonderful mother. It is the hardest yet most rewarding calling given to anyone and often a thankless one. What you...we do...affects eternity.
Please know I am always here and understand! I love you so VERY much!
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
To my "favorite" daughter,
I had a lot of mixed emotions when I read this. I think the strongest one was that I was not aware that you were struggling so. Yes, we have all been there at some point in our lives. But we go on for various reasons and make the choices we make, sometimes right, sometimes wrong because we are HUMAN and imperfect. This is all part of God's plan...WHO IS perfect.
But we are not expected to do this alone. We have spouses, parents, brothers and sisters, friends and acquaintances who are put in our lives to help us. The trick is to swallow our pride and ask these wonderful people for advice and support.
I don't expect us to solve all of our issues on a blog, but I would hope that if you ever needed help or a shoulder to cry on, you would take the OPPORTUNITY to call me and talk about it. I love you and am very proud of the woman, wife and mother you have become. And I'm not biased by the fact you're my daughter. ;-)
Hang in there and give a hug and kiss to Carson from Opa!
I had a lot of mixed emotions when I read this. I think the strongest one was that I was not aware that you were struggling so. Yes, we have all been there at some point in our lives. But we go on for various reasons and make the choices we make, sometimes right, sometimes wrong because we are HUMAN and imperfect. This is all part of God's plan...WHO IS perfect.
But we are not expected to do this alone. We have spouses, parents, brothers and sisters, friends and acquaintances who are put in our lives to help us. The trick is to swallow our pride and ask these wonderful people for advice and support.
I don't expect us to solve all of our issues on a blog, but I would hope that if you ever needed help or a shoulder to cry on, you would take the OPPORTUNITY to call me and talk about it. I love you and am very proud of the woman, wife and mother you have become. And I'm not biased by the fact you're my daughter. ;-)
Hang in there and give a hug and kiss to Carson from Opa!
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
Janneke,
Thanks so much for sharing this. I know it was a hard thing to go through and share. Many people don't realize how debilatating depression can be. Also, the great number of people that feel totally helpless with where their life is headed.
I love you so very much! I know you can do this.
Love, Aunt Lisa
Thanks so much for sharing this. I know it was a hard thing to go through and share. Many people don't realize how debilatating depression can be. Also, the great number of people that feel totally helpless with where their life is headed.
I love you so very much! I know you can do this.
Love, Aunt Lisa
Jan 23, 2012
I'm glad you have found something to help you! I know for me it was an outlook ... choosing to see the blessings. And what helps me is writing in my "thankful journal" 10 things NO MATTER WHAT that I am grateful for. Some days it's pretty pitiful but other days I can fill up a whole page! Keep going and I'm thinking of you!
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
good for you lady! That takes a lot of courage. I think he important part is not giving up and finding something that works for you. I'm so glad you had a great experience and know that you can know implement those changes you want to see. Good for you girlie! Happy for you.
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
Woomie!! I'm so proud of you! What a struggle and what a strength you have to try and do it on your own without those crutches from the world. We need to get together again. I'm another baby and a half along since we last hung out! I would love to try to be a support to you. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how to be the woman I've always desired. We can work together, if you'd like. Anyways, congrats on your epiphany! That is wonderful news!! And Good Luck for your future!! You are wonderful and you deserve every happiness you don't realize you have!! MUAH!! -Woomie!
Jan 23, 2012
Janneke,
You are an amazing person. I think that deep down inside or maybe not so deep we are all this way. None of us are ever satisfied with who we are and the truth is we can all be better. My parents are going to this seminar in March and I am a little jealous. I would definitely be interested in hearing more about what they have to say. Sometimes it is an amazing feeling to let out all the things we feel we are hiding from the world. I admire you for your courage in writing this post.
Love,
Brenda
You are an amazing person. I think that deep down inside or maybe not so deep we are all this way. None of us are ever satisfied with who we are and the truth is we can all be better. My parents are going to this seminar in March and I am a little jealous. I would definitely be interested in hearing more about what they have to say. Sometimes it is an amazing feeling to let out all the things we feel we are hiding from the world. I admire you for your courage in writing this post.
Love,
Brenda
Jan 23, 2012
Jan 23, 2012
Hi Janneke, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. I admire your strength and determination to make your life better. I think we all need a reminder sometimes that we are worth it and things can change. Thanks again and good luck!
Jan 23, 2012
You are a remarkably strong and courageous woman. I'm so glad to know and love you! You will succeed and find the goal that will bring you peace and JOY. Guaranteed! I'm living it and it is absolutely amazing. Not every day is easy, but every day brings a new awareness and growth coupled with tender mercies everywhere. Low-hanging fruit as it were. I'm with you all the way, literally! You WILL remember who you really are and THAT will change everything forever!
Karen
Karen
Jan 25, 2012
Jan 25, 2012
Janneke sorry your having to deal with this. I understand what your going through, not personally but I grew up with my mother being severely depressed. She slept most of our lives. And I watched her suffer in and out of hospitals for depression. Lots of medications self soothers and addictions and years later she still is dealing with it:( I had to always be the strong one the adult in our family. Such a big responsibility for a young girl. This its self has taken its toll on me. I have battled my own demons. I myself may not have depression but I suffer with sever anxious, paranoids and obsessive anxiety. I don't like to discuss much of this because of how people may view me. It has been hard to come to terms with and I also refuse medication. I have had days were I am honestly usury how I hide the emotions and play as if now one would have a clue. Unfortunatly in my mind it at times really drives me nuts. But I keep on strutting and living life and praying to find some kind of miracle. I suppose we all have our demons. If ever you would like to talk, give me a call. And for your new insight I wish you the best. I would also enjoy hearing more at how it works for you.
Jan 26, 2012
Janneke,
You are an inspiration to me. Just this past week I've fallen back into a depressed slump, and it's been very hard. Thank you for reminding me why it's so important for me not to go back there again. I can be strong and pull through, and I don't need money or a car to do it. I love you very, very much.
You are an inspiration to me. Just this past week I've fallen back into a depressed slump, and it's been very hard. Thank you for reminding me why it's so important for me not to go back there again. I can be strong and pull through, and I don't need money or a car to do it. I love you very, very much.
.JPG)
24 comments:
I completely understand, hang in there and I love you!!!
Hi! I know we haven't talked in forever, but I saw your link on FB and decided to see how things were. I have had a few times where I have definitely been depressed, and I have worked on changing the way I think about myself and the world around me and it helps a LOT but I still have days where I am in a funk. I'm wondering if maybe a follow up post with a few basic ideas is in the works for the future ;) (it's ok if not!)
Hi Janneke,
I can definitely relate to what you have been going through. Thank you so much for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage to open up, and I really respect you for it. I'm glad you have found something to help you and I wish you the best in your journey.
BTW, we should do a double date sometime. :)
Love ya,
Erica
What's super the most weird is that you were in my dream last night. I dreamed that there was a little house in Provo that I always saw as my dream home and it turned out that you guys owned it. WEIRD!
Thanks for your post and the courage to write it. I'm right there in the same boat with you. I'd love to know more info on the seminar so I can get in a similar one in the future.
To my beautiful, intelligent 'little girl',
I couldn't sleep tonight, and like I often do, I pop into yours and the boys Facebook pages to see what you are each up to. I guess you could say, for those that believe in this, that I was just promtped to do it and of all times, tonight, right after you wrote your entry. I haven't done it in days and why tonight and at this hour..only the Lord knows.
Janneke, I was able to make each one of those statements at one point in my life and often more than once or twice. I'm sure we all have with at least a few of them. I felt like a bad mom, ugly, uneducated, I couldn't do things right or like others could, I scrounged for quarters just to buy milk, worked long hours at work then came home to continue until late only to do it again a few hours later and I felt no one cared what I did or what happened to me. My life centered around everyone else and in the process, I lost myself. I had been known for my smile, and people would ask me what happened to it. I remember the time you gave me some books on improving my self-esteem and tools to help with my own depression, so I can definitely understand how you are feeling.
I'm glad you found the seminar, you both went together and you are continuing to work on it. Knowing you are not alone and working with others helps. Learning to love ourselves is key, I think. I'm still working on that one, but knowing we are loved no matter what we are able to do or can't do, how we look, healthy or sick and that we are important to someone else is a blessing. That's just the way Christ feels about each of us.
You are not alone, but never forget how much you are loved and how very important you are to so many. No one on this earth loves you more than your mom. A mother's love for her child is stronger than anything. You are a wonderful mother. It is the hardest yet most rewarding calling given to anyone and often a thankless one. What you...we do...affects eternity.
Please know I am always here and understand! I love you so VERY much!
Janneke, just letting you know I love you! I always admired you while on the folk dance team. Stay strong, I know you can do it!
Thanks for sharing. I actually have a similar story coming soon...
You are awesome Janneke!!! You are so strong!! 2012 is going to be GREAT!! Love ya!
To my "favorite" daughter,
I had a lot of mixed emotions when I read this. I think the strongest one was that I was not aware that you were struggling so. Yes, we have all been there at some point in our lives. But we go on for various reasons and make the choices we make, sometimes right, sometimes wrong because we are HUMAN and imperfect. This is all part of God's plan...WHO IS perfect.
But we are not expected to do this alone. We have spouses, parents, brothers and sisters, friends and acquaintances who are put in our lives to help us. The trick is to swallow our pride and ask these wonderful people for advice and support.
I don't expect us to solve all of our issues on a blog, but I would hope that if you ever needed help or a shoulder to cry on, you would take the OPPORTUNITY to call me and talk about it. I love you and am very proud of the woman, wife and mother you have become. And I'm not biased by the fact you're my daughter. ;-)
Hang in there and give a hug and kiss to Carson from Opa!
Janneke -I love you and miss you. I appreciate you opening up and sharing. I needed it! Thanks and good luck with the changes - I know you'll do great! I'd love to hear how you do it (maybe a follow up post). Love you!
I'm so glad you have found something for you. I really hope you keep us posted on changes.
Janneke,
Thanks so much for sharing this. I know it was a hard thing to go through and share. Many people don't realize how debilatating depression can be. Also, the great number of people that feel totally helpless with where their life is headed.
I love you so very much! I know you can do this.
Love, Aunt Lisa
I'm glad you have found something to help you! I know for me it was an outlook ... choosing to see the blessings. And what helps me is writing in my "thankful journal" 10 things NO MATTER WHAT that I am grateful for. Some days it's pretty pitiful but other days I can fill up a whole page! Keep going and I'm thinking of you!
*Thumbs-up* Thanks, Janneke.
good for you lady! That takes a lot of courage. I think he important part is not giving up and finding something that works for you. I'm so glad you had a great experience and know that you can know implement those changes you want to see. Good for you girlie! Happy for you.
You're amazing Janneke. I've always been in awe of everything you accomplish with your family, friends, and profession. You're an inspiration to me. Thank you for being willing to be my friend!
Woomie!! I'm so proud of you! What a struggle and what a strength you have to try and do it on your own without those crutches from the world. We need to get together again. I'm another baby and a half along since we last hung out! I would love to try to be a support to you. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how to be the woman I've always desired. We can work together, if you'd like. Anyways, congrats on your epiphany! That is wonderful news!! And Good Luck for your future!! You are wonderful and you deserve every happiness you don't realize you have!! MUAH!! -Woomie!
Janneke,
You are an amazing person. I think that deep down inside or maybe not so deep we are all this way. None of us are ever satisfied with who we are and the truth is we can all be better. My parents are going to this seminar in March and I am a little jealous. I would definitely be interested in hearing more about what they have to say. Sometimes it is an amazing feeling to let out all the things we feel we are hiding from the world. I admire you for your courage in writing this post.
Love,
Brenda
You are one amazing woman Janneke!! Way to take charge. I know that you'll be able to overcome this and do those changes you want to. Good luck!!
Hi Janneke, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. I admire your strength and determination to make your life better. I think we all need a reminder sometimes that we are worth it and things can change. Thanks again and good luck!
You are a remarkably strong and courageous woman. I'm so glad to know and love you! You will succeed and find the goal that will bring you peace and JOY. Guaranteed! I'm living it and it is absolutely amazing. Not every day is easy, but every day brings a new awareness and growth coupled with tender mercies everywhere. Low-hanging fruit as it were. I'm with you all the way, literally! You WILL remember who you really are and THAT will change everything forever!
Karen
Love you Janneke!!! Since I haven't seen you since the ward split Im so glad you posted this! I think of yOu often :)
Janneke sorry your having to deal with this. I understand what your going through, not personally but I grew up with my mother being severely depressed. She slept most of our lives. And I watched her suffer in and out of hospitals for depression. Lots of medications self soothers and addictions and years later she still is dealing with it:( I had to always be the strong one the adult in our family. Such a big responsibility for a young girl. This its self has taken its toll on me. I have battled my own demons. I myself may not have depression but I suffer with sever anxious, paranoids and obsessive anxiety. I don't like to discuss much of this because of how people may view me. It has been hard to come to terms with and I also refuse medication. I have had days were I am honestly usury how I hide the emotions and play as if now one would have a clue. Unfortunatly in my mind it at times really drives me nuts. But I keep on strutting and living life and praying to find some kind of miracle. I suppose we all have our demons. If ever you would like to talk, give me a call. And for your new insight I wish you the best. I would also enjoy hearing more at how it works for you.
Janneke,
You are an inspiration to me. Just this past week I've fallen back into a depressed slump, and it's been very hard. Thank you for reminding me why it's so important for me not to go back there again. I can be strong and pull through, and I don't need money or a car to do it. I love you very, very much.
Post a Comment